'MY LIFE
TO DATE' BY JUNE BARKER
(A member at
Goodrington Methodist Church talks
inspirationally about her life caring for a disabled husband)
As I awake each morning, and realize another day. My
thoughts are awakened by movement lying next to me. The pills, that have to be
taken. The water spills on the floor, but oh no recognition as no words are
spoken not now, not anymore. I rise to get breakfast before blowing his nose. The early cough starts, the pills are being taken, while breakfast porridge
gets cold.
We start the day together, I wonder our long for, he’s
aging very quickly now, and tears are in his eyes, knowing that he cannot speak,
and then to my surprise, he calls my name, with that love look in his eyes, and
so the day continues now, to wash and clean his teeth, and other toilet
requirements which come along with screams.
By 9.15, to be ready I’ll dress him after his shave. Brown
or black shoes, then tissues, watch and glasses to, no words are spoken, just
guess what he’s trying to say, this is just the beginning, of yet another day?
As the taxi calls for him, it’s not easy as it pulls away. Just a smile between us, lucky if a kiss comes this way where has our lovely
life gone, but I’ll try to be happy today. My day goes quickly, finding loads
to do at 5 o’clock he returns upset – and wanting - help with his clothes?
Slippers are at the ready so the evening begins, as lovely
as “Eastenders” comes on he’s happy-its-just-things-in between which upset him,
and then, our life is made unhappy - and things by me are said, which later in
the evening, I’m worried these shouldn’t have been said.
We’ve been married so long now and each day brings
something new, sometimes I wonder, how long can this go on, to see my loved one
suffer, although I suffer to. I pray to God to help us – and glad that I believe
and as our night time is awkward, I’m ready to help and please.
And yet another day begins to which I sing my Gods praise. Lets try and be happy for one another, it’s certainly not easy now. I tire very
quickly and, sometimes feel afraid. I ask myself can I walk away from this? After 56 years of marriage I love him just the same and so each day that comes
along, “I’ll try to be very brave”. The music starts and up he gets, we used to
be dancers you know, and so we dance together a couple of twirls or so, we burst
out laughing as we try to overcome the awkward way we were dancing, as just a
bit of fun. Yes! Yes! I cry I love him, it’s not his fault this has happened –
but why – I ask myself if only I could find more patience. Things would be
better, I know, but its the silly things he does that makes me shout and so –
another day is passing – and yet another smile, and so to bed – if only for a
while.
It’s 2.45 in the morning and yes were up again – things
seem to be happening as he calls my name – I try to remember he love me just the
same, then after two more outings 3.30 then again at 5 than after more
frustration - it’s subsiding so back to bed we go – I wonder if he’s happy? As
I offer him his first pill and so it begins all over again “the sun is out” so
let’s be happy for yet another day. I think of all our happy years together,
before this “thing” came along – no cure to be found for us just hope one will
soon come along. As we are in our 7th year and things are getting
worse, I wish we could turn the clock back “Just to see” how life would have
been would we be as happy – 4 years ago we moved to be near our family – that
wouldn’t have happened, and yet were very happy here, people are kind and so
understanding and a very special group at “Chadwell”, have helped us so much in
the past, and as I leave this group I know that they are there for us, so I’ll
keep their telephone number – by me- in case I need their help thanks to those
special people – here – they give us the strength to go on. I’ll sign off now,
and take my place back where I belong, and thank God for friends that carry me
along and get back to my work of love – or even sing a song.
My Church and friends are here now, and always give me
strength, a smile a gentle hand shake, to let me know their there should things
go wrong. And while the sun is shinning and I’m here alone he’s gone out with
the “Days Out Group” of which he so enjoys and so I’ll wait for him, with
slippers and tea awaiting and hope he will realize “I still love him” more than
words can say, and yet another end to another day.
If you have been moved by this inspirational
piece and want to talk to someone in confidence please click
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Torbay Methodist Churches,
Devon, UK
